


That's not what I meant

by usedtobeablackbird



Category: Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Breakup, Depression, Hurt, M/M, Toxic Relationships, Yelling, fight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-04-20 19:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14268288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/usedtobeablackbird/pseuds/usedtobeablackbird
Summary: “I’m literally here. I am not spending nights outside or at my apartment but curl up with you here, or when we go out, you’re just standing in some random corner and I have to take care of you. My life literally revolves around you and you say you feel alone?” Awsten felt anger rising, but he was just so.. tired.





	That's not what I meant

“I feel alone.” He regretted the words as soon as he had uttered them, because as soon as Geoff’s head turned towards him, he saw the confused and hurt and dismissing expression. His usual so soft, naive eyes seemed cold, distant and sharp. 

“What?”

Awsten sighed internally and swallowed audibly. “I said I feel alone.” 

“I’m literally here. I am not spending nights outside or at my apartment but curl up with you here, or when we go out, you’re just standing in some random corner and I have to take care of you. My life literally revolves around you and you say you feel alone?” 

Awsten felt anger rising, but he was just so.. tired. As he spoke to reply, he felt his voice wavering. He couldn’t cry. “I’m sorry. But that’s not what I meant.” Awsten mumbled.

Geoff seemed to get angrier and more frustrated with every passing second.“Well then what do you mean?! And please don’t come at me with the _I don’t know how to explain my feelings_ bullshit. You’re good with words and we both know that.”

Awsten felt tears rising and suddenly his hands were on fire, and so was his face, and all he saw was red. Geoff never seemed to understand the most important things. He was good with words, he was good with feelings, but he wasn’t good at explaining his own feelings and their roots. His first instinct was to just cry out and slam all of his pent up feelings of the past year at Geoff’s head, but he restrained himself. Geoff didn’t deserve to be yelled at.

“I mean” he replied, threateningly calm, “I mean that I feel alone when you’re here. I can’t do the things I want and I feel restricted. I wouldn’t feel as lonely if..” he didn’t continue the sentence and took another deep breath. 

“If what, Awsten?” 

Awsten knew that Geoff was crying by now. 

“If we didn’t see each other as often anymore. I think I need a break, Geoff.” 

Awsten was fully aware of the tears running down his own and his boyfriend’s and best friend’s face, but he couldn’t help it. he felt like floating with freedom for a moment, because _he finally said it_ , before the angry stare of his boyfriend brought his back to what was happening.

_Geoff was **angry**._

“So why exactly are you breaking up with me?” his voice was cold, and done, and disappointed, and Awsten felt his chest tighten uncontrollably, but he felt too numb to really notice and care. 

“Because I can’t keep doing this. I’m breaking myself. I can’t put so much into this anymore.” Awsten cried out, trying to calm himself and failing miserably. Goddamn, he couldn’t even fight properly. 

“To be honest, I don’t feel like you put anything into this in the past two months, Awsten.”

He was speechless, and in that moment, he knew that he could never make Geoff understand. He would never understand how much it hurt Awsten to be with Geoff, but he couldn’t blame him. He avoided talking about himself, his character, at all costs, so how was Geoff supposed to know?

“Right.” 

Awsten’s tears had stopped, he could only stare in disbelief at the person he seemed to not know. Was this the person he’d fallen in love with? Was this really the person that held him when he was down and that he held when Geoff was down? Was this the person he used to call for over six hours and talk about everything, including gums, teeth, weird kids and death, suicide, the meaning of life and teachers and atheist beliefs and the wides of the universe? Was this the same, lovely, caring Geoff, that he cared about? Was this truly the person he loved?

“Can we fix this?” Geoff spoke, his gaze cold and pointedly avoiding looking at Awsten’s nervous fingertips dancing on the edge sofa they were seated on. 

“I don’t know. I can’t seem to make you understand. And I can’t change this.” 

That seemed to strike something in Geoff, and he rose from the sofa, his voice fiery and furious, no signs of tears anywhere. And Awsten was good at detecting those. 

“You can’t change. Wow. Really, Awsten? Are you not even going to fucking try? I’m done. I’m so so done with you.” 

Awsten just watched as his ex boyfriend stormed to the door, ripped his blue jacket from the hook and didn’t even waste a single glance back at the frozen figure he left sitting on the sofa, as he opened the door, left and slammed the door shut. 

And Awsten just sat there, and wondered since when it all had gone wrong. He didn’t notice the tears coming back, but it didn’t matter anyway.

Geoff was gone, he was done, and Awsten wasn’t going to make him come back. 

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed the angst :) i didn't give much context, but their relationship is meant to be toxic. it physically hurt me to write that, but hey. projecting feelings helps i guess. hope you have a lovely day, night, sweet dreams and sweet moments for today and tonight ^.^


End file.
